I've been a little quiet with you for the past few weeks, but within me, it's a beautiful storm, it's loud, without a sound. I'm coming into alignment. I'm detoxing my mind and body.
I realize that I've posted sexualized content that might have confused some, or that might have created energetic bonds and false conceptions as to who I am and what I could be for you. This post's purpose is to clean that up.
Maybe sharing a little more about my relationship with sex will bring clarity:
...I was 17 years old, it was my first real boyfriend. He was a good kisser. So, as we both hung out with my girlfriend, I told her to try him, to see how good of a kisser he was. It would be enjoyable, nothing more. To me, that's normal, but their confusion told me it wasn't.
Let's go back a little further when I was about 5 years old: I would make everyone undress and we played "Queens and Kings", innocent role play without clothing. Our moms came up and freaked out. Clearly, that too wasn't normal.
More recently, I was with some beautiful people, who felt very sexually activated by my presence. "I don't know what you do, it's like you sprinkle fairy dust", yet I was fully clothed and I didn't even kiss anyone.
I'm writing this piece sitting in a villa with two of my friends, on Naka Island somewhere lost in Thailand. Moments ago, we were talking philosophy and business all naked in a sauna. And none of it felt sexual. How freeing, how precious, these days spent in naturist resorts or parks... Ah. It feels like the future, gifted in the now.
You'll also notice that in my book "Once Upon A Swipe", the orgy, the Playboy scene, the foursome, all of it, that my sexual presence there is lived very differently.
In my world, everyone can be naked if they feel like it, because it makes sense, it feels good, it's physical truth, not because "naked" equals fucking. Sex is not penetration. Sex is divine electricity that births it all; babies, art, flowers, and smiles.
And that's a major, major difference. Sadly, it deeply clashes with our culture and I need to realize this and realign myself. I was posting as if I lived in Ancient Rome or in some distant future in which shame, guilt, and perversion aren't poisoning our minds. That's my mistake, I take responsibility for it.
Not that nothing should feel sexual or involve penetration, of course not. In fact, all could feel sexual/vibrant/electrified/tantric if we understood what it really is and worked to recover its sacred essence.
In other words, sex is the physical expression of life force running through us, and a powerful force that makes this world infinitely expansive and ever blooming. Sex is beautiful, profound and spiritual when we let it be such.
I clearly don't live my sexuality in normal ways. I barely ever masturbate, I've watched porn less than 10 times in my entire life, and as I write this, I haven't had sex in months. In. Months. In the past year, I've had sex 5 times. Yet, as I'm writing this, my sexual energy is being consumed in the most exciting way to me, at this point in my life.
In fact, I now believe that the reason why people perceive me as being so sexual is that I am working to be "asexual" in its popular sense, to integrate both the masculine and feminine within me and to transcend the tension of the 3rd dimension (this could be a book in itself, a little too complex to discuss here).
You see the difference? In simple terms, I was having a party, all light and happy, thinking no one would get trashed and crash it. But some men did, and it made me uncomfortable, and sad.
I must confront and accept what sex is, on a cultural basis.
So Men, I need to talk to you:
To any men with whom I've created energetic bonds through the "sexual" content I've posted, please be released, be free in how you invest your energy. Whatever you see in me is just a hint as to what you are looking for in your life partner, whom you will meet when you are ready.
Having men "fall in love" with an idea of someone is not healthy nor is it sustainable. I want us to know each other's essence, not our envelope or false fantasies. I am not a naked body.
I'm sorry if I've added to the challenge you face regarding an overly sexualized culture. I really am. I can empathize with what men are going through.
But I'm also excited for male sexuality to become fully conscious, and to go back to that cleanliness that blessed our younger days. A certain innocence that wasn't stained by disempowering and addictive pornographic content.
The good news is that I've met many men (5 now) who've done that type of work, practicing celibacy for years, doing deep inner, shadow work to heal the collective masculine. It's possible, it's beautiful, but it requires commitment.
I'm sorry that you live a world in which cumming is, often enough, a "need", and that we're made uncomfortable with power, so we give it away, to a kleenex. I wish for us to be able to walk naked side by side, with a genderless, kid-like energy.
I'm sorry for the emotional entanglement my content might have created, for the unwanted sexual tension I might have brought into your life. I wish for our bond to be clean and I want to respect where your mind might be at.
I do not want to abuse your attention and add another distraction. To impose my nakedness in a sexualized angle is tasteless, in a way.
I'm sorry for the misuse of my sexuality and body to have hoped to talk to your higher self. It wasn't the courageous route, it was the easy one. I was afraid there wasn't any other way to get to you, at times, that it was all you cared about.
So why did I post these ego-fed sexy pictures before?
- A few years ago, I was blogging and was barely getting any views for each post I was so proud of. Then, I posted a Burning Man entry with a picture of me topless on the playa. It got thousands of views and people started to share it, I got a taste of "virality", and it was awesome to reach so many people with such an important message. I got amazing feedback, but I knew most people had gotten to my story because of the naked picture. I thought that if I embraced human nature, being curious and sexual, then it'd open the door to inject inspiring and spiritual content. In a way, that still makes sense. But I must refine its execution and clean up my intent. My ego got twisted in the sheets and that is why I must revise my approach until my intent is selfless.
- It was healing for me to share my liberation journey, however confusing it was for many. I do know it's inspiring for others, and I do not intend to become closed off or hide my body, that wouldn't be "me" either, but it will be continued and shared with greater awareness and consideration of the impact it has on men, and with much higher levels of integrity, self-love and respect.
- When in LA, I fell into my "wounded feminine", my insecure, needy self. I didn't feel independent and I lacked security. My sex-appeal became the quickest way to get attention and power, however misaligned it was with my true value and purpose. I started modifying pictures with FaceTune, I was using these crazy filters on Snapchat, etc. It wasn't me, both from a visual point of view and from a personality one. I was sad and misloved. The pictures (the one I took down) weren't about liberation in *that* segment of my life, it was me being imprisoned in the societal imperatives to please men. I objectified myself, I take responsibility. I let media win, I lied to my essence. I acted out of fear, not out love. In this sense, I lost my innocence with the addictive taste of power and attention, and my ego was gratified in ways that are not aligned with my truth. I will certainly celebrate my body, but out of self-love, not out of a desire to please, harvest Likes and take advantage of this need to fuck that currently afflicts too many men.
Moving forward, I wish for our bond to be clean and for my creation to align with my heart's truth. I will respect men's healing process towards conscious sexuality, I will not add to the problem. It is not a critique or an offense to men, it is the predictable outcome of cultural conditioning, just like women face other challenges...
Written at night back in Bali, days after:
Men, you need to wake up. What you think is power is not. This orgasm that drives the rhythm of your life blurs the real power you have.
When I posted about me smiling to the idea that my IndieGoGo campaign was indeed glorified prostitution, I added how beautiful, magic and healing sex was, how powerful I could be if I was free to share this divine love with the world.
But Dear Mother of God... I just came back from Patong in Thailand and let's just say that sex isn't sacred in most places, or in most heads, and I wish for all to remember how to see one another and to recover our true sexual powers. What "prostitution" is has nothing to do with how I used the word in this context. It was sad to see. It was like coming back to reality, and realizing my party had been crashed.
My idyllic vision of the world in which we run around naked without any unhealthy sexual tension or constant drive to fuck everything that moves can not be at this moment in time, however fast we are writing history: we still live in a world where porn drives innovation, fantasies, and desires... I know you're tired of it too, I trust you. You realize that any addiction poisons the beautiful. You are taking the steps to see how the body is meant to be free, to be loved, not to be fucked, mindlessly.
So, I have work to do and so do you. As they say, "we're in this together", and this is my prayer:
I now create with courage and increasing awareness of what my content expresses and create.
I let my higher self guide the process and I will not kidnap your attention with my butt crack.
I trust your heart and intellect to engage with what feels aligned for all.
I clean myself from the unhealthy energetic bonds that lead to misperceptions and damaging tension.
I am aware of my sexual power, I honor it, as I honor yours.
I am sensitive in what I choose to share with you.
I will be a friend to you on your journey, and I will salute your courage as you too walk this path towards sexuality, recovering its sacred essence, this divine electricity, this creative force, these ongoing orgasmic micro big bangs that birth it all; God dancing through us.
May we all be free from cultural enslavement, sovereign souls and bodies, in full command of our energy.
May we all do the work towards a fully integrated, symbiotic, genderless future in which our sexual drive creates the world we dream of, the one we're done waiting for.