Last night, I was feeling quite sad and lonely. I usually always have a close male friend with whom I chat, reflect, and joke a lot...
But right now, I don't know who this person is. I felt I had no one to talk to last night.
I was walking back and ate a seaweed salad by myself. Everyone seemed so in love, sigh... Most people around me seemed to have found their partner. Even my bff/backup husband found a new flame.
I went to church and prayed. I'm not religious, but in the city, it's nice to have a quiet place to connect to this Loving force who exists beyond name and form.
I prayed for clarity: why is my hometown the one I feel most lonely in? Why is my "culture" the one I don't relate to? Where is home, for my heart?
In the depth of the emotion, I downloaded Bumble again (not a great idea but hey!). It took forrrrreeeever to load, and the first profiles were comedically far from my tastes; it really looked like a joke, to the risk of sounding arrogant.
The Universe was clear: "Stay focused, you won't find anyone if you search for it with that energy. Keep creating."
As I arrived back home, a man with whom I share an epic story and had a great romantic connection messaged me:
"Wrapping you up in bed now. I felt you, purring with you until you feel better".
And so I went to bed as early as I could for the day to pass, breathing, reprogramming my mind, observing my body, being present, and once again, humbly asking for help, for signs.
I got up with the sun, placed my hands on heart and womb, as always, rubbed them rapidly to create electricity, and swiped them across my naked body (my morning routine is quite extensive, 15 steps...). These rituals really help to ground me and self-love me well.
I went to see my phone, like a lottery ticket that one day might show me a message that talks to me, and saw this:
"My intuition pulled me out of bed 3 times to reach out to you.
I feel this prolific amount of so much powerful energy building up inside."
...from a man who had seen me in a bookstore in Boulder back in October, who then found me on Bumble that same night, emailing me thousands of words, wondering if I was "her", moving into the soulmate dreaming...
And another message:
"Olivia! I'm in Montreal. I would really love to see you", from a man I met in Mexico this winter.
The moment he and I sat beside each other, jolts of electricity ran through our bodies. Granted, we were smoking weed that was way too strong.
But then, nothing could happen, I was seeing someone who was coming to Mexico.
He told me something along the lines of: "I've been waiting for you for lifetimes, it doesn't matter if it happens now or in another one, I'll wait for you", as he was referring to our kids and the resort we could build...
And now he's here, which is quite funny. It'll be nice to see him, and I'm quite in awe towards the ever-increasing speed and quality of the Universe's answers to my wishes.
Tonight, I'm going to a Cacao Ceremony and sound bath healing ceremony. I'll drop back into my heart.
And I'm quite happy that I somehow have the courage to share this with you, if you too feel lonely at times.
It really is an illusion, and more so an invitation to reach out and open our heart to all the Love that wants to come through.