Tonight, I have a date! Not with a man, but with a woman.
Hehe, no, it won't be romantic, even though we very much love each other, and our chat thread is covered in red.
But when I was younger, I had challenges with female friendship. Some were great, but I dealt with jealousy and some bullying. I didn't give into it, thank God, it could have been much worse.
I reverted to the companionship of my boyfriends, and for ten years straight, I always had a boyfriend. I feel part of it was to address the fear of loneliness, and my trouble in developing deep, healthy relationships with women. But I knew how to make a man need me with sex. (...)
I still had a series of "besties" and met amazing women I loved deeply. I'm not viscerally attracted to women, unfortunately ;).
We spent lots of time together, yet I never had the traditional big social structures that movies and huge wedding parties seem to celebrate.
But that's okay, I always preferred the intimacy of the duo or the trio. There's a depth to it that nourishes me so much.
As you know, having been mostly single for the past 3.5 years has been... eventful, and testing at times.
The good news is that it made room for me to truly develop my relationship with Women, with the Feminine.
So, over the past few years, I had a few stellar, angelic, brilliant girlfriends, or Sisters more so, with whom we did everything...
We traveled, worked, lived (abroad and with my family), loved, tripped, cried, coached, grew, learned, philosophized, explored the world together, and more...
We did everything but have sex, lol.
I learned sooo much about communication and intimacy through these relationships, which I'll always cherish. I learned how to love Women, and how to love myself in the process.
I'll share one scene of many that tattooed my psyche...
...Her and I were naked in the bathtub, and she took a Moroccan glove and scrubbed my entire body with so much reverence, love, and vigor.
It was kinda gross lol, the dead cells and dirt peeling off, but she stood there in the water until I was basically as new as a baby, even though she's a total clean freak haha.
She also made me a hair mask, fresh juices, she truly cared for my most radiant health.
I was in awe in front of her devotion, her level of care, which I had traditionally only received in the exchange for sex... I was honored, and felt so grateful for her.
Unfortunately, this kind of proximity is too often reserved for romantic partnerships, we forgot how to be Sisters, Witches together, or so it seems...
To be naked, to sleep together, not for sex, but for the privilege to be close beyond the mind. There's an innocence and mystical quality to it.
And recently, I met my new bestie :). It feels like I meet the right woman for each phase of growth, for each chapter...
The other day, we met to talk about our dreams and plan our execution. We teared up twice, we had chills all over, it truly felt divine. Our "first date" too was "perfect". We went boxing, went to see a movie, it was super fun.
We made a list of all the awesome things we'll do this summer, including motorcycling, tattoos, bungee jumping, magic mushrooms and all... !!!
Of course, it'd be nice to do this with the man of my dreams, and she longs for the same, but dear God is it nice to love a woman, to love her for who she is, not for the way she feels, to love her for her heart, with nothing to fill, but just beings who feel full together.
To the men who couldn't love me for all that I am, thank you for having made room for me to discover the power of female friendship. I wouldn't have known, how deep it can go, how loving it can be.
And to my amazing girlfriends I've shared precious moments with, past and present, je vous aime so much, thank you for your love, light, and presence.