Move Forward, In Spite Of Fear

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Last Sunday, I was supposed to be at my parents’ country sanctuary for Mother’s Day. But when my girlfriend suggested we go to the Tam-Tams (traditional Sunday drum circle happening on the Mont-Royal), the dancer in me took over. I’d see my Maman on Monday and I guess we’re not big on societal conventions - Mother’s Day can and should be every day of the year. 

I was ready to go before they’d arrive, but part of me felt anxious about going there alone. What if I don’t connect with anyone there? Would I look like I’m a loser without friends? 

Honestly, it’s been hard to let go of old friends with whom it just doesn’t match anymore. I’m not the same woman I was 7 years ago when I left for the US. In fact, we all changed. But that’s okay, it’s part of the process, Spring comes after Winter and I see it blooming now… Friends naturally align with our fluctuating frequency. 

So, part of me was afraid to be (or appear) lonely. The other part of me absolutely loves her alone time and feels super grateful that I get to hang out with *me* for the rest of my life. Yay!

Anyhow, my excitement won and my feet carried my head ahead and when I arrived, I was warmly greeted by the “leaders” of the Tam-Tams tribe, whom I hadn’t seen for over a year. I was pleasantly surprised and flattered they’d remember me. Once again, my anxiety had been unfounded, it often is, right? Remember: we all want to connect with each other! We are social beings. 

My ego spoke again: Being white, it always feels a little bit weird being in the middle of the circle, dancing like it was ever my culture, i.e. cultural appropriation (yes, we share the same roots and music is universal, but still!). Even though most of me feels like a Goddess when I dance, (it actually feels like Spirit moving through me and I go in a space of 90% of total quietude through this high expense of physical fire), there are still these thoughts flying by that it’s not my place to be there, that I’m taking too much space and attention, especially for a white girl. 

I was dancing in very short jean shorts and a white t-shirt that kept falling off my shoulder to reveal my bra that is too big for me now that I don’t take the pill anymore. Would they see that?

But all that they saw (and told me) was how comfortable I was in my body, and my beautiful passion for dancing. I mean, maybe some girls compared themselves to me and stuff, but overall the crowd’s gaze was quite bedazzled. 

Yet, I still had these flashes thinking if they’d notice the little cellulite I have, my regressing hairline, the five pounds I'd like to let go of, my half-shaved thighs, or my un-pedicured toenails. 

I’m very good at seeing what needs improvement, versus what’s beautiful on me. Even though I looked like the most confident person alive in the middle of this musical storm, I still had these self-deprecating thoughts, some social anxiety, and the fear of not belonging.

Every one does. You're not alone in feeling these. 

But I make a conscious practice of not letting these voices direct my life. My passion, self-love, and ambition overrule, and I have faith in the flow. I trust my joy to guide me home, and I trust my attraction to connect me with the souls I’m meant to play with and learn with. Most importantly, I remind myself that my imperfections are part of my perfect divine design. I truly believe there’s an answer to the alignment of all parts of us, all of them…

And when I do surrender and remember the perfection of it all, I have a blast, and that day was truly amazing, just like the days that follow and this one today, when I’m going to a rave in Vegas with a bunch of 21 years old. I’ll have similar feelings pop up again but ultimately, I’ll allow myself to be the channel for divine love and pleasure I am incarnated to be. It will be so much fun, I can't wait (I'm at the gate in LA now...)

I’m so grateful for dance and music to be core pillars of my life. It makes me feel super high, naturally. Actually, I know they thought I was on ecstasy. I was, yes, a very, very pure form that is. 

Ecstasy (and many other great things) is on the other side of fear. 

We all have diverging voices trying to direct us, to protect us - yes, the ego's echo. And it’s all these moments strung together, these micro-decisions we make, consciously or not, based on fear, or love, that define the quality of our existence.

I could have stayed home, and not have any of this juicy, divine fun! It breaks my heart to even think that I still let fear limit my life at times. 

It is truly an exercise than to accept our fears and to explore them, to honor our precious lifetime, while we can move and go places… You do realize that soon enough we’ll die, yeah? 

Who’s in charge of your life? YOU, your heart and higher self, or this virus of unworthiness, these voices trying to make you small?

Are you running your, life or are your fears ruining your life? 

See you on the dancefloor,

Aude